


The Coldest Man in Hell's Kitchen

by ButterflyBunny



Series: Avengers' Infinite Playlist [20]
Category: Daredevil (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Avocados at Law, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Remembers, F/M, M/M, Matt Murdock Needs a Hug, Memories, Minor Bucky Barnes/T'challa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-07-14 22:49:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7194062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ButterflyBunny/pseuds/ButterflyBunny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matt thinks he is not a good man, that he’s not a hero… he’s a monster. But monsters are scared, perhaps that’s why they are monsters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Coldest Man in Hell's Kitchen

**Author's Note:**

> The events here take place around the same time the previous instalment of this series "[Tabula Rasa](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7193795)" take place. Also is a continuation of "[The Oyster](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6235030)".

_[(Arsonist’s Lullabye – Hozier)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEtkIRlz7Vw) _

 

 

The apartment is empty.

He can hear the water running through the pipes, the loudness of the city outside – cars, quick steps against the pavement, the yelling and the murmurs of the crowd, even though is already night- the electricity from the lamp’s light bulb, he can still smell the fragance of his faint cologne, emanating from the sheets that remain crumpled in the cold empty bed. He sits, feet tired and eyes heavy, once he takes his helmet off the breeze made his sweaty hair feel cold. He can also hear a woman screaming on the apartment next door, and another one making love on the one downstairs.

Matt lays on the bed, hoping the cut on his back isn’t too deep. Bullets and fists were one thing, but whips and swords… Well. He drifts into a dreamless sleep, wishing that Foggy is able to make up a good excuse that Karen will believe the next day, because he isn’t sure he will be able to wake up early enough to make it to work. The last thing he registers before losing conscious is a siren. An ambulance, no, wait, the police.

“What are you doing here?”

He opens his eyes and tries to move, but there are two strong arms holding him down. There is a weight on his abdomen and he knows the woman is straddling him, she is strong and her face is close to his’ as she speaks in a low, menacing tone.

“I said” She repeats, “What are you doing here?” she grips him tightly.

He swallows, “Looking for someone”

“No one lives here” She retorts, letting go of his arms, “Not anymore”

Matt rolls them over, gripping her wrists putting her arms above her head, and this time he puts most of his weight on her. He frowns when he realises how small her frame actually is, the woman doesn’t move nor struggles, in fact she chuckles softly and because of that he tightens the grip on her wrists.

“I’m not here to hurt you” He says.

She chuckles, “Me neither”

Her name is Jessica. She lives next door, her apartment also serves as an office and she’s a private investigator. It takes Matt a few minutes to realise that he is not wearing his mask, when he does, Jessica puts it against his chest and tells him not to worry, is not her business. She gasps when she finally flickers the light switch on, probably because he left a stain of blood on the bedsheets.

Jessica patches him up, her hands rough as she cleans the wound and tells him that it doesn’t need sutures.

“You knew him?” Jessica asks.

He turns, “I think”

Jessica hums, “He came back” she says, “He needed to leave the country, somewhere safe”

“And you helped”

“He had cash” She says as an explanation, “Whoever he was… He’s gone”

Matt chuckles softly, “I figured”

“Take care of that” She says before she leaves, “Take care…”

He doesn’t listen to her, he jumps from the window to another building, until he reaches home. The cut on his back stings when he bathes, washing and scrubbing the blood away furiously, he might regret that in the morning, he thinks before he finally falls asleep.

 

* * *

 

He does.

 

* * *

 

Only three things he can think about for the next days.

The Sokovia Accords. 

The Winter Soldier found.

Captain America Missing.

But Bucky never asked his help. Bucky left and it was maybe because he doesn’t want his help.

 

* * *

 

Matt realises that he doesn’t have anything to offer to him anyways.

 

* * *

 

Foggy finally snaps a few days later.

They are at the office, Karen had finished organising a little bit like she said, and Foggy keeps listening to some game on the radio. Matt was thankful neither of them asked about him missing work for three days, Karen because Foggy told her Matt had come down with a terrible cold, and his friend because he knew very well what happened. Matt told him everything the night before when he appeared in his doorstep with a medical kit and Chinese takeout.

“I’m getting lunch” Karen announces, “Anyone else?”

Matt shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair tiredly, “I’m going home”

“You are getting lunch” Foggy says.

Matt raises and eyebrow and is about to protest when Karen speaks, “I could bring some-“ 

“You either come with us or starve” Foggy says.

Karen makes a noise and Matt looks in Foggy’s direction. His heart is pounding against his chest and he is probably red in the ears, wearing a furious expression in his face, maybe that’s why Karen swallows hard. Matt stands, reaching for his cane, he puts his glasses on and starts walking towards the door, he turns to Foggy before and tells him to meet him outside.

He hears Karen scolding Foggy and then she walks away, heels fast against the pavement and he follows her until he can’t hear her anymore. Foggy is next to him a few seconds later, leaning against the brick wall behind them.

“What’s up with you lately?” Foggy asks, “You are not even _pretending_ things are alright anymore”

What was anger before in his tone, now is concern and Matt feels the sting of regret about something he is sure he did. What was it, he doesn’t remember.

Foggy sighs, “Every since that man-“

“What man?” Matt raises an eyebrow.

His friend swallows, “You know who I’m talking about” he says, “That… the one who lived-“

“What does he has to do with anything?” 

“I know he’s gone, alright?” He grips the cane tighter, “After you told me to stay away from him I-“

“Was I not clear?” Matt mutters.

“I noticed he didn’t work at the diner anymore” Foggy continues as if he didn’t speak, “Then his apartment was empty and you started acting all... Gloomy”

“Gloomy?”

Foggy huffs, “I’m not stupid Matt, I do have working eyes”

Matt chuckles at that, “Should I feel offended by that?” 

Foggy puts a hand on his shoulder, “I know that… You liked him or whatever” He says, “But you're the Daredevil, getting involved with someone is not a good idea”

Matt shrugs Foggy's hand off his shoulder, “I figured that much”

He starts walking away from Foggy and he’s pretty sure the man won’t follow him until he hears the fast pace behind him.

“So you are fine then?” Foggy says, “Because there’s this thing I really need to talk to you about” 

Matt raises an eyebrow, “Do you now?” 

Foggy chuckles, “Yeah, about work” He says, “Unlike you I’m a full time lawyer” 

They are in a small coffee shop near the building they work. Matt doesn’t like it, since it’s too fancy, but Foggy frequented it with Karen and he insisted the food was amazing. They order coffee and when Foggy tells him Karen isn’t joining them he asks what exactly are they talking about there.

“Tony Stark”

Matt tenses, “What?” 

“Yeah” Foggy gulps down his glass of water, “You know Ramse, from college”

Ramse Williams was a man who went to college with them. The guy was a pretentious asshole, but a great lawyer, he graduated first of his class and got a job in one of the best New York firms as soon as he was out. 

“He works for Stark Industries” Foggy continues, “Therefore he works for Stark” Matt hums, “You’ve heard the news lately? The whole UN bombings, the accords-“

“Is there anyone who doesn’t know about it?” Matt sighs, reaching for his glass of water.

Foggy snorts, “I know” he says, “Anyways, Ramsey told me they were called for a meeting where Stark said that he wanted to take the Winter Soldier to court” Matt almost chokes on the water, “You alright?”

“Fine, fine” Matt nods.

“The thing is no one wanted to touch that case”

The waitress interrupts them before Matt can formulate a question, or a way to not look _too_ interested in whatever Foggy is trying to get to.

“Wait, Stark wants to sue the Winter Soldier?” Matt asks,

"That's the... interesting thing" Matt scowls, "He wants to _help_ him"

Matt blinks, “Isn’t he on the run?”

“I know! that’s why the lawyers, including Ramse, rejected the job”

“Tony Stark helping people out of the goodness of his heart?” Matt chuckles.

Foggy then chuckles, “Dumbasses, you know how much money would Stark pay?” 

“I have an idea” Matt swallows, “No one wants the case then”

He stays quiet. Tony Stark was a smart man, but it was clear that law wasn’t his forte and that’s the reason he needed good lawyers. Matt thinks about it, yes Bucky is on the run, but if someone cleared him up from the charges he has – including multiple assassinations under HYDRA’s mind control – maybe he could come back and get the help he needs instead of being thrown in a cell. 

“Matt”

Matt blinks, “What”

“You are always talking about how you need a challenge” Foggy says slowly, “I mean, Ramse told me he could hook us up with Stark's people” he taps his feet against the wooden floor.

“Let's hope they are desperate enough to accept our help” Matt nods. 

* * *

 

He finally goes back to the diner after weeks trying to stay away from the place. Foggy had left to meet Ramse and to "get that number" for them to contact Stark, Karen gladly accepted to go with him, even though she didn’t like the “greasy food” they served. Matt sits on the booth and folds his cane, he tried to make conversation, but it was difficult since Karen only wanted to ask about the way he winced when she touched his side. 

“I just… I worry, Matt” She says, putting her hand over Matt’s.

“Don’t” He says, aware of how harsh his tone was. 

Karen doesn’t say anything else. They eat in silence afterwards, Matt’s head is pounding so the murmurs and the clinging of forks and knives against the plates make his headache worse. But he copes. They are getting ready to leave when someone else enters the diner, letting a cold breeze in, the wind drags a scent to his nose, he inhales deeply and almost freezes when he recognize it. He grabs Karen’s wrist softly.

“Matt?”

“Can you- I have to use the restroom” He says, “Are you good going back alone?”

“Of course” She nods, giving him a small kiss on the cheek.

He waits until she’s away enough to walk inside the diner. He sits on the booth without saying a word, he had been meaning to contact her for a while, every since Bucky disappeared, but he refrained himself from doing it. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for him to be involved in anything Avengers, they were superheroes of another kind. Not that he considered himself a superhero, and he’s pretty sure Natasha Romanoff doesn’t consider herself one either.

“How long has it been?” Matt asks, “two, three years?”

“Two” Natasha says, and he can almost hear her smirk, “Give or take”

“Two years and you use the same perfume” He smirks, “Or is it the shampoo”

She doesn’t answer, “How have you been, Matt?”

He raises an eyebrow, “Good” He says, “Sometimes bad” 

She hums, "I didn't know you had a thing for blondes"

Matt shakes his head softly, "I don't"

"Redheads then" Natasha asks teasingly, “If I had known, I would have make my move on you”

Matt’s lips curved upwards, “you did make your move on me”

“Those weren’t the moves I’m talking about”

Matt finds himself laughing softly at that. Then he leans forward, focusing his eyes where he voice is coming from. There is something else in her voice, somber and even nervous, two things he had never detected on her before, her heartbeat though, is even as always, calm. Natasha feels like someone who lost and is fine with the defeat.

“Did you came back to Hell after all these years just to flirt with me?” Matt asks softly.

Natasha chuckles, “No”

He hums. He waits one beat, two and when he is sure Natasha won’t say what he wants to hear, he speaks.

“I heard about what happened” Matt starts, “The Accords, Captain America a criminal… Dr. Banner missing" 

He knew about Bruce Banner and her’s relationship. The first time he heard about he didn’t understand how did she let herself forget that people like her, people like them, are not allowed to… Love. That’s why he was always cold, that’s why he didn’t “make his move on her” when he first met her. That was until he met Bucky, and he started questioning why was that an unspoken law for them.

He hears her swallow, “I’m here about the Winter Soldier, actually”

Matt tenses, because the only times she talked about needing his help for something – Once, Matt, only once – She was hunting someone down. What if she was hunting down Bucky? She did sign the Sokovia Accords, she was no longer an Avenger, she was working for the government now. But then why does it feels like she’s hiding?

Stay out from this Matt. Bucky wouldn’t want you to get into this. Then again, he never really got the chance to know him better.

But he wishes he did.

Matt takes his glasses off and rubs his eyes, he feels tired, like he had the same conversation before, then he remembers he did, with himself. In his head. 

Maybe he still can.

Matt stands, and he feels Natasha’s hand around his wrist, like she didn’t want him to leave. He grabs his cane and sighs. 

“We should talk about this somewhere else” he tells her. 

“I’ll be in your place in ten minutes”

 

* * *

 

He arrives home finally. And gets in his room, desperate to get rid of his heavy clothes, he’s sweaty and it feels like the shirt is clinging to his body, the tie trying to strangle him.

“Who was she?” he hears. 

Matt turns to face Natasha, rolling up the sleeves of his shirt. He leaves the cufflinks in the nightstand and proceeds to take the tie off, toeing his shoes off at the same time. He knows the lights are off, he couldn’t feel the heat of the lamp when he reached for the nightstand. He continues to undress, unbuttoning his shirt and he hears her chuckle, with a raised eyebrow he turns to her.

“Karen Page” He answers, “She works with me at the firm”

“So is Nelson & Murdock & Page?" 

“She’s our secretary” He explains, “Not a lawyer” But she could be.

Natasha hums. He shrugs his shirt off, grunting when he raises his left arm. He remembers the night before, and well, being thrown furniture at is not as fun as throwing them to someone. He ignore the way Natasha’s breath hitches and walks towards the bathroom, where in the cabinet behind the mirror he keeps painkillers. Once he’s out he sits on the chair int he corner of his room, sinking into the cushions.

“Rough day at the office?” Natasha’s voice reminds him she’s there.

Matt chuckles, “Rough week”

“Can I see your suit?” Natasha asks, “The red one” Matt chuckles, “You have horns and everything?”

“Maybe next time” he says.

“What makes you think there will be a next time?”

“Because I’m saying yes to whatever you are about to ask me to do” He says without missing a beat.

“You are saying yes to possibly represent an ex soviet assassin that might or might not have bomb the UN in a court room?”

Matt runs a hand through his hair, “He didn’t bomb the UN”

He knows because it was later confirmed that he had been framed. He straightens when she starts walking towards him, her boots making a soft noise against the wooden floor, when she’s next to him he looks up at her. Soft lips pressed against his cheek, he inhales the faint smell of vanilla mixed with something else he can’t quite put his finger on, and smiles because is her shampoo she doesn’t change. Natasha presses something inside his hand. Small, rectangular and made of plastic.

“I decoded some HYDRA archives” She says, “All you need to know is there”

 

* * *

 

He gets to the office the next day, Karen had taken the day off and Foggy tells him she’s upset about something he told her. Since he refuses to take part of their lover’s dilemma he doesn’t ask any questions. He gives Foggy the memory stick, and when he asks what it is he simply shrugs.

Three hours later Foggy closes the laptop and turns to him. 

There is a simple reason why Matt beliefs Foggy should take care of that. Foggy is better at bullshitting people than he is. Besides, a blind lawyer wasn’t going to be seen as a strong defence for a man like the Winter soldier. He knows he isn’t enough for Bucky either, but he has something to offer to the Winter Soldier and that’s the best lawyer.

“Alright” Foggy says.

Matt frowns and Foggy’s laugh fills the air.

“Whoever gave you this, Is a genius” Foggy says, patting his shoulder, “The jury will be begging this guy for forgiveness once I'm done with them”

Matt’s lips curved upward.

“Why are you not doing it if I may ask” Foggy asks after a few seconds.

“I have way too much in my plate” Matt shakes his head.

“Matt” Foggy tells him a few minutes later, when he finishes putting the files he would send Tony Stark, “Do you think with the accords and all... Shouldn't you take a break from the whole Dare-“

“No”

Foggy sighs, “There is more than one way to make this world a better place”

Matt stays quiet, not because Foggy's right, but because he doesn't believe that. 

Foggy hums, “What I said about that guy leaving being a good thing“ He says, "I just said it because I know that's how you feel" Matt swallows, "Sometimes you just want to hear what you think in someone else's voice"

He feels Foggy's warm hand on his shoulder, follow by a soft squeeze. In that he was right, Matt just needed to hear what he though in someone else's voice, if that made him look too proud or like he wanted to punish himself, so be it. Foggy's phone vibrates and the man chuckles.

"Karen is-"

"Is alright" Matt says, "I can take care of that"

Foggy hands him the thick folder and leaves.

Matt calls Natasha again and she tells him to not contact Tony directly, he wants to ask about that but knowing Natasha, she must have her reasons. 

 

* * *

 

“They speak of you as if you are the devil himself”

Jessica tells him that night. He went back to the apartment – Bucky’s apartment – the room was still empty, but there was no sheets on the bed. He assumes that Jessica had changed them after finding him covered in blood, drenching the sheets. There was a chair in the corner of the room, covered in velvet and he wonders if it was always there, if it was he isn’t surprise because every time he got to the room he threw himself in the bed. He lays there in silence for a while, he doesn’t bother in reaching for the mask since Jessica Jones left clear that she didn’t care about him.

“They fear you” She continues.

“And you don’t?” He asks.

“You are just a man” Jessica sits on the bed, the mattress sinking with her weight, “Who fights a fight that is not his’, but he doesn’t care as long as the ones he’s beating down stay down”

“Doesn’t that make me a monster?”

Her heartbeat hitches at that, like she had been asked that question before. Or maybe she had asked herself that question.

“The only monsters that exists are the ones inside of us”

Matt closes his eyes, “What do I do about those” he says, “Sometimes... I can't fight them”

There is a long pause. He can hear the sirens in the distance, the same woman screaming next door, the smell of Jessica’s leather jacket and cigarette smoke that clings to her hair. The sheets no longer carry the smell of Bucky’s hair, or shampoo, or maybe Bucky’s own scent.

“We don’t” Jessica finally says, “The demons inside of us… We just make sure they stay there”

 

* * *

 

T’Challa hovers over him when he falls for the fifth time.

The king made him spar during his physical rehabilitation, Needless to say there was a point where Bucky couldn’t keep up with him. He puts his weight n his knees – The red mat under him is soft enough for it to not hurt him – and raises his right arm, letting him know he’s fine, telling him to not help him stand up _this time_. The king straightens and nods once, giving a step back for him to catch his breath. He stares at the mat for a few seconds, counting under his breath, when he’s ready he takes a deep breath and stands.

“Accepting my help will make no difference to your recovery” T’Challa tells him.

“If you do every time, it might”

His knuckle hurt and so does his knees, but the rest of his body is vibrating with energy. T’Challa’s lips curve upwards. Bucky is about to tell him they can continue – he needs to keep trying until he is able to knock him down – but he hears someone calling the king’s name, and they both look at the gym’s entrance.

He follows T’Challa with his eyes, where a woman is waiting for him – dark skin, full lips and high cheekbones – She looked familiar somehow. He learned that the women that seemed to follow him around were actually his royal guards, The Dora Milaje, Bucky never talks to them – or to anyone apart from T’Challa – But they were polite towards him, only scowling when he didn’t refer to him as “you highness” like he just did. T’Challa looks at him.

“Mr. Barnes” He says, “You may leave to your chambers”

 

* * *

  

He was woken at least two times a week, which was exhausting and probably not helpful, but T'Challa, who also happened to be his doctor, was certain it wouldn’t affect his health – He had chuckled mentally at that, he did use the phrase “The bastardised version of Erskine’s serum”. His body didn’t feel much tired, but mentally, Bucky felt worn out, he was already tired of the tests, the needles and the worse of all were the sessions with the therapist. If those were the things that would help him get rid of whatever HYDRA put in his head, he wouldn’t get his hopes up.

Bucky excuses himself and heads to the room he occupied when he wasn’t in cryosleep. He had asked for a notebook, where he wrote everyday things he remembered. Lately it had been only things about Howard Stark. The man his hands killed while his eyes watched, when his mind was locked away and he was forced to be nothing more than an spectator. He remembers the looks on his son’s face when he saw the video, and the truth was that Bucky was as horrified as Tony had been.

He remembers Steve, the way he defended him, standing between his past and what could have been his future, forced to make a decision. Maybe forced to chose Bucky, he tries not thinking about that much, he knew he wasn’t worth it, but revising the same statement over and over everyday made him almost sick to the stomach.

“Forgive me, Howard” He whispers, “Forgive me, Steve”

Bucky doesn’t spend much time outside of the room, but it doesn’t feel like a prison. Is when he sleeps, when he lays in his bed that he finds himself caged, he’s in a place he can’t scape from. His head feels foreign to himself when he dreams, when he swims in oceans of memories that he wants to believe aren’t his, on images and feelings that he wishes weren’t real.

_Forgive me, Howard._

_Forgive me, Steve._

He feels a warm hand squeeze his shoulder and he wakes up abruptly, covered in a thin layer of cold sweat. T’Challa is next to him, eyebrows knitted in concern. He ignores him, and when he look at his hand he starts counting his fingers, ignoring the way T’Challa raises an eyebrow at him.

“It was but a dream, Mr. Barnes” 

Bucky shakes his head, knowing better but he doesn’t bother in saying it out loud.

“I wake up… trying leave the monsters behind” He whispers, “But I do and realise… I’m the monster”

He wonders if HYDRA put those monsters there of if he always had them. Still, the only thing he knows is that he wants to tame them, he wants to control them until they are afraid of him like he’s afraid of them. 

T’Challa says, accent thick, “Steve told me about you, about the soldier you were… before HYDRA” Bucky looks away, “I know that you fear the monsters inside of you, the demons that hunt you, but there is also a fire inside, a light that scares them away and keeps them grounded" 

Bucky looks at him.

“Is faint” T’Challa adds, “But you are a warrior, you are someone to fear, not hunt” 

He leaves him alone then. And Bucky tries to stay awake after that, but his eyes feel heavy and he falls asleep a few minutes later. He searches for the light when he arrives to the dark room, and he holds on to it, he realises he’s not afraid of them anymore, not like before, and maybe once day he will manage to not fear them at all.

 

 

_“All you have is your fire, and the place you need to reach… Don't you ever tame your demons, but always keep them on a leash…”_


End file.
